Free tool

The Find It / Say It Card

A free one-page worksheet for the deals you made in your head that nobody agreed to. Three questions to find them, two sentences to say them out loud.

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What's inside

  • The sentence that gives it away. "If they cared, they'd..." and how to listen for it in your own head, so you catch the deal before it turns into a fight.
  • Why "they should just know" feels so reasonable, in one plain paragraph.
  • Three questions to find the deal in about a minute: finish the sentence, ask whether you've ever said it out loud, and test how much it really matters.
  • The two sentences, in the order that keeps the other person from getting defensive, with a home example and a work example.
  • The guardrail: what this is not, and what it means if you say the deal, they agree, and it still doesn't happen.
  • "The deals I've been running": a short log with one filled example and room for three more.
  • One page, US Letter, prints fine in black and white.

How to use it

Step 1 Put it on the fridge. That's not a joke; the kitchen is where most of these
Step 2 deals live.
Step 3 When you feel that flash of "seriously?", stop before you say anything and run
Step 4 the three questions. Finish the sentence "if they really cared, they would..."
Step 5 and write down the honest version, even if it's petty. Ask whether you've ever
Step 6 actually said it out loud. Then picture them never doing it. If that's mildly
Step 7 annoying, let it go. If it stings, it's a big deal, and big deals have to be
Step 8 said.
Step 9 Then say the two sentences, in order. First: "I realize I had a picture of how
Step 10 this was going to go, and I never told you about it." Second: "Here's what I
Step 11 was hoping for. Does that work for you, or what would work better?"
Step 12 Use the log at the bottom before your next conversation, not during it. One row
Step 13 per person. If the "said out loud?" column says no, the third column is your
Step 14 next move.
The video this came from Unspoken Expectations: Why You Keep Getting Let Down by People

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